I’m about to get real personal

I’m about to get real personal on you. I know in the healthy living blog world talking about weight is a no no, or a place where people talk about their disordered eating. Good thing for me this blog isn’t a healthy living blog. It really is only a living blog. 2013 was definitely a year of ups and unfortunately a lot of downs. Some of the best things happened to me and some of the worst. With those bad things came a lot of weight loss, which is unusual for me.

Usually I am a stress eater, but within the past year I have become someone who looses their appetite if they are stressed. Before I went away to college I thought it would be a good idea to build my tolerance around alcohol. I was already drinking, but felt I should prepare myself for the worst in college. For example, make sure I knew how to handle myself no matter how much I had to drink. Unfortunately for me that meant putting on a lot of weight in the process. During my freshman year I gained a lot more weight. It was not my most shining moment and if I had to redo it, I probably would. Only the weight part not the rest….that was fun.

By the end of my freshman year I had probably put on close to 20 lbs….that is not okay. One of my grandmothers asked me if it was called the freshman forty (she really had no idea) and I honestly said, for me that seems about right. Ouch. I was not pleased with myself, then again I didn’t do much to change my habits. I was okay with that, to an extent.

Sophomore year I tried to change my habits and I did, but not enough. Junior year I went abroad and lost some weight because I was walking everywhere and eating better, but not much. When I came back I had Mary as a roommate and we both like food…a lot. Senior year I was good the first half and then the second half I ate out ALL the time, again not okay. I knew I needed a change, but sometimes you can’t make that change with one fell swoop. I had the right intentions the whole time, but it felt like I was constantly fighting this imaginary line that I could not get over.

2013 was that year. I graduated college and moved in with my aunt and uncle who were on a healthy kick. I was pleased, enjoyed every meal and lost a little weight. No where near where I wanted to be, but I also wasn’t exercising and I was okay with that. Come July and my car breaks down, leaving me to buy a new car and drain my bank account. I was stressed and in turn lost my appetite. I lost five pounds from not eating and had already lost five from eating healthier. So I was finally over my hurdle. I was thrilled (although not the healthiest way and I am aware of that). When I moved into my apartment I tried to keep eating the way I was and I was doing well, I started working and after a while I was down another five pounds. I was thrilled!! But then I felt like I was at my next hurdle. I am sure everyone has these hurdles, they get to one weight and want to lose even more, but for some reason can’t.

So here I am down 15ish pounds from graduation and feeling good when December rolls around and my whole life is once again turned upside down. Most people would tell me it is not normal that I lost my appetite, but I did. There were some days where I wouldn’t eat anything because I couldn’t even think about digesting anything. And down five more pounds I went. I am beyond happy I am down all that weight, on my frame I am still at a healthy weight, I could probably stand to lose a couple of more pounds. BUT I am not at all happy at the way I have gotten here. I know it is not healthy, but there really is nothing I can do about it now.

This past week has kind of been eye opening to me throughout this whole transition. Yes I am extremely happy that I am finally at a weight where I can feel mildly happy about myself, but at the same time I know I am not giving my body the nutrients it needs. Part of this has to do with my new work schedule. I wake up drink a cup of coffee and head off to work, by the time lunch rolls around I’m hungry and I eat a granola bar, then I get hungry in the afternoon but put off my eating until dinner time. Most times when dinner rolls around I am in the middle of something and don’t want to put it down, and by the time I get home from work I want to crawl into bed.

I noticed this past week that this was really happening. There was one day I got home from work at 9:30pm and I was hungry but I didn’t want to make anything to eat so I went to bed. I woke up hungry and that never happens to me. I felt like my body was in starvation mode, which is SO not good for me. So what did I do this weekend? I took advantage of eating out almost every meal and eating whatever I felt looked good. I think it’s what my body needed and I wouldn’t change anything I did.

For the next month my goal is to get a hold of how I am treating my body and try to eat better balance meals. What that really means is actually eating dinner. I know I am doing my body no good by not eating dinner so my goal is to eat dinner. I want to start running again come the spring, but I know I am currently not fueling myself enough to even be ready to start running. I still have a little bit more weight I want to lose, but I am going to put that off until busy season is over and I can focus on doing it correctly.

I guess this really is just a rant about what has been going on in my head for the past couple of months. I am thrilled to be back at the weight I was in high school, I think I may have been a little heavier, but I know I didn’t get here the right way and sometimes that irks me. Sorry for the novel 😉 end rant!

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